Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Alibi

(boring day at school... let my imagination fly. Like to create stories in my head... and tell them as if I lived them :))

Submerged voluntarily into a deep sea of confusion,
having nothing left but a narrow way out.
Holding my breath as I fight to death with my memory;
Useless memoirs... I can´t remember when it happened,
and I can´t structure any lame excuse to explain the "why".

I agreed to say it was not planned, that it simply happened and I believed it.
But indeed I had thought of the possibility, of the minimum effort it would take me to get us to the exact moment of anxiety revealed.

I smelled it from miles away, the danger was there since the very beginning: passionate personalities, time words and music, lethal dose.
I tasted it, I could enjoy its flavor burning in my lips, and yet I took possesion of the time, filled the environment with sweet feminin scent, dazzled my victim with innocent looks and moldeated my words in my hands to make them sound how they were supposed to sound.

My head high, it was my moment, my chance to prove myself something I´ve always known.

I am not guilty to the eyes of the world, confession would come too late...
I made my point, I made my move, I played somebody else´s game under my rules not by cheating, just by having the winning hand since the very start.

Would it be too much taking the whole credit if I say I manipulated every little detail?
Would it be too much considering myself as an artist if I describe the beautiful scene I stole from a song? I improved it, I created a movie scene.

I fell too, wheter I like to admit it or not.
Controled myself by loyaly following the script my well trained mind wrote.
So maybe after all the move was not completely mine, I may have left some spaces uncovered... or maybe I knew I´d love to let myself get lost into the moment.

I had prepared the stage, the lights were on, the script was memorized... I deserved to enjoy the play.
My job was done and it was fair enough to take my prize home.

The decisive moment arrived... staring, staring, staring.
Proximity felt different than what I expected.
Shivers were not agressive this time, they did not creep upon my skin, they climbed to my spirit, my soul.
It was a walk on the clouds, a blue landscape, a soft lullaby, a non burning sun, a non ticking clock, a water embrace.
Fullness ran through our veins.
We tried to take it out of our system only by taking more of it with every breathe.

By recieving an unexpected sensation, the script and everything else turned useless and less formal than what the moment required.

I closed my eyes and let myself follow my senses, no rules, just pureness.

Pureness, no evil thoughts, just tenderness.

Souls spoke, a higher level our brains couldn´t understand.
A symphony with unreachable notes and colors.
Just what it was: an instant.

The song was over, no more notes to perform.

The curtain was down, the characters became real, the script was burnt, my argument was proved, the main part was shared...

but the theatre was empty.
No one to witness my glorious victory, no one to testify my tender defeat... the secret our to keep.

Creative Commons License
Alibi by Lu Ann is licensed under a Creative Commons Atribución-No comercial-No Derivadas 3.0 Unported License.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

untitled



This should not be THIS HARD!
There`s a million easy way outs.
I am not like that anymore.
I take things seriously.
So why do I feel so weird?
This is not about chosing... is about knowing exactly what I need to do according to God`s plan.

And I wish I could stop feeling a hole in my stomach... a strange but sutile pain running through my veins every single time I blink.

I hurt you right? It hurts me.

It should not be like that... is just that I dont quiet know how mend this now.
Never thought it would be this way.

And I`d love to hear your voice... I`d long to hear you say what you think about this.
Cuz I am running out of my mind!

I can not do this alone!
But I have to do it on my own!

I dont care if this time I readyou wrong... it burns me ok?

This have to mean one of two things: Are we meant for each other? If it is,well it is not gonna be the first "problem" or the first person trying to get in between.
Will you quit on me? Will I quit on you?

It is way too soon... never thought this would happen today.

Or does it mean that this is not for us?

If everything happens for a reason... well, what the hell is that REASON?!

This is hard for me... I´ve never been here before... or maybe I am just childish.

The fact is that I feel so many different things that I can`t specify which one is which.

I wish I could know... mom says great things came out from things like this.

Mom and dad came out from a situation like this... we are not mom and dad, but, what if it is true for us too?

And I dont care who reads this or who doesnt... I dont care if they know.

I miss you.

Yes, this time is direct and I dont care!

How can I miss you? I mean... it hasnt been so long.

normally I admit I would go on like this as if nothing happened, I would not care and it would be "just fine"
This time is different. I can not pretend like I dont care, I cannot go on like this and it is absolutly not right.

So.. yes I feel terrible, hope God answers soon cuz Im loosing my patience.

I dont wanna be mistaken, I want to be right...
By the way, I am sorry.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

And I´ve got your song....what do you got? I dont know where to go from here andI want to say I am sorry but...


(This whole situation is getting out of my control.
And I came here to write it not exactly because I want to be understood, actually, I do not care if people get me here after all, I´d be surprised if someone read it till the end.)

Mommy, I am so sorry that you lost your little childhood brother.
I´d never felt your pain like that before... it was so deep.
I am sorry, I know I speak too much, but I never say the right thing when I need to say it, I never know when the time or the words are right.
Sometimes I am just speechlees, but I love you and if I could make you feel better I´d do it, without restrictions, without a doubt. (But you recovered an old brother)

You...we have a really strong bond even when it has not been a long time since we started to build our friendship.
I´ve known you since I was less than 6, but I never thought I´d get so close to you.
And I know that you´re here for a reason, and I know our friendship is stronger today because of something.
I can not understand why and I am not sure I want to know.
God may have planned this and I know that someday we will understand.
What I know... and I know you know it too can´t be explained to the rest of the world because they would not understand it. You know what I mean?
It is different and I do know what it means at least at this very moment.
I know what it was even when it may look different for others outside this bond.
It was so scary, it was so weird it was so expressive.
Souls... nothing else spoke that day.

Now you want to express it with words. Will you be able? I will be able.
This time words will be flat and cold, because they can not reach the correct phrase as to tell what the soul thinks.

And... I know you need me now. I know you´re under a big pressure this days and you need a friend to support you.
I can do that, I´ve always done that.
But... I need support right now too... I just don´t know if I can handle this.
It is too much for me to take!

And... I´ve got your song. But what do you got from me?

I do not know where to gor frome here.
I am stuck. I can not have both things... I dont want to loose neither of them. I don´t want to mess things up.

And God wants to teach me something from here.
I can not take it! It sounds stupid... but there are so many things that are holding me back because I know I just can´t keep messing around and taking all of them with me on my way.
I know some of them are still on the "we will see" and I want to keep them that way. It is not the right time to unreveal them, but something has been telling me that anyway I have to take a few desicions if I want to keep on going my way.
They may seem like diminute choices, but my a really important part of my future depends on them.

I don´t want to be mistaken... I can´t be mistaken this time.

So I will pray and ask for God´s help.
I will do it again, I will leave my whole life, my heart and my dreams in His hands.
I can not do it alone, and I am really scared, but I know that He will show me the right way.
I will have to learn to walk this path, but if He´s by my side everything will be better.

You... are important for me. And you know you are.
There is something about you I can´t quite figure out, but I am ok that way.
I think we are walking on the right way, besides all the things around us and about us that seem really odd and against the nature, at least my nature.
But I care about you, you care about me.
And I do not really mind about all those things, I do not really mind about wondering about them.
Only God knows where will we be tomorrow.
You should know that no matter what happen or what dont happen, you´ll always be a part of me. :)

So, this post is about many people... I just needed to put it down somewhere so I could ease my mind a little and do what I need to do.None of you need to be a part of this if you dont want to...
I should tell you I am sorry, but I am not. I did it and I think it was right because my reasons where right, you just would not understand. I want to say I am sorry, but I know I´d do it again.

(Write you a song-Plain White´s)
(You and me-LifeHouse)
(Sorry-Daniel Bedingfield)