Guilt is a teerible feeling: it hunts its carrier and hits him until he feels like he cannot move anymore...
I know what guilt is, so do not think that I do not know what is going on and do not say that I do not how you are feeling.
What bothers me the most, is that you wanted it, you were dying to get it —and I gave it to you —but now that you had it, you feel guilty. And you may not notice, but you blame it all on me. You punish me, you walk away and you stay in silence as if nothing as ever happened.
Why am I to pay for your faults? I already have my guilt to deal with...
And then it comes that moment when you are all alone looking through the window and just thinking about how lucky you feel for founding someone special, how blessed you were because they crossed your way. Or you may be in the middle of a crowd, crossing the street or among friends and still your mind wanders and floats to where that person is.
So your heart is filled with joy and passion and thankfulness. You need to share that, you must let that person know that you´re about to explode. You call them or send a message or take a taxi right to their office, but they´re immersed in the daily life or thinking about something else. They just happen to be in a different mood than yours.It is not that they don´t love you back or as much as you love them, you just picked the worst moment of all to show your fondness. And though you acknowledge this, your heart sinks a little.
I have thought about this a lot lately. It is like I´m always hungry of endorphins and warmness. Maybe I have read too many books or maybe I just refuse to believe that you cannot feel in love forever.
I think love has many faces and colors that you can learn to feel and distinguish as the day goes by if you only take enough time to find them. Even when you´re mad or busy, there is always a hint of love: even if it tastes bitter or if it feels like a deep passive feeling very similar to boredom. And it can be expressed.
It is not possible to shut it down or leave it home when we go out to work or for a walk. It is not a mask you can take off whenerver you feel like doing so. It never goes away. It changes and turns and may almost become invisible during the day, during your lifetime. Sometimes I forget about this myself and stop responding to its call.
I won´t let it slip away. I can´t allow myself to forget how to recognize love. I won´t let myself give up (and I hope you won´t either).