Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I could not help myself to stop and stare when I heard that tender cry and saw a small little girl on the floor.
Her head was covered by her wounded knees, her cries deep and full of dispair... I felt like I ought to sit next to her and embrace her tightly, as if it was my duty.
"I am sorry" I said "Can I sit next to you?
She did not answer, still I bent my knees hoping somehow I could ease her pain.
"Well, I do not know you, but I wont harm you. I just saw you crying and I dont know how but I may be able to help you if you just let me." I said quietly.
Suddenly I heard a tiny voice whispering "I was waiting for you to come, now listen".
She took my hand by surprise and held it strongly for what it seemed to me like ages.
She did not say a word, she did not speak, but when she held my hand I could listen to her thoughts.
I felt her pain and saw the images that haunted her day and night, I could hear the voices yelling at her "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH", "LEAVE IT", "YOU DONT DESERVE IT".
And I started to get frightened when her deep solitude clmibed up to my heart.
I closed my eyes trying to escape from the images, trying to forget the voices, hoping I could stand up and run away to somewhere, any place far away from her; but something kept me still.
Then a strange sensation filled my skin from the tip of my toes to the back of my neck; I had been here before. I had already felt it, I had already been alone.
I opened my eyes. Now I knew the truth.
Although it was the last thing I wanted to do I let go her hand and asked her to look at me.
It did not surprised me, I knew it since the very begining, even when I had just realized that I knew...
Of course I could remember her face and her pony tail.
I could not have forgotten those dark eyes which had run out of sparks, of joy, of childhood.
And her smile... like the smile of an old person who needs to feel loved not by men, but by God.
I knew her all along... but I had forgotten her somewhere inside my mind.
She was me, I am her.
And she came here once more for the last time to make me remember what I used to be.
And to make me understand that no matter how happy I am now I should never forget my past, my pain, not to feel attached to it, but to understand the ones who struggle. To let them know that I was there, that I know the truth now and to share it.
"Never forget who you were, never forget the place where you came from... never forget that it was God who saved your soul. Now go and share what you know, now go and treasure every single minute you are given the gift of a breathe..."
Friday, June 18, 2010
Yes, I was very high yesterday...
Cold makes me happy, words make me happy, looking at the sky makes me happy, playing with my dog makes me happy... being God´s daughter makes me even happier.
So happy that even when all the other things were missing I could still stand up in front of a million faces and scream out loud that without doubts I am happy.
Also yesterday I was told by a new blogfriend that life is never a bed of roses... well she is right! and Im thankful that I was remembered of this detail.
Also another friend wrote in his blog saying that we may fall sometimes into our little/wide worlds feeling it real, but when pain comes, there is when we stop for a while and look around to realize that there is something more out there, that reality may have been confused or misunderstood.
Another friend wrote on my post that things will never be exactly as we expect them to be... sometimes the outcome is not what we were planning or what we would have liked it to be, but if it is God´s will then it will absolutly be the best thing for you, no matter how hard you try to fight it.
So they made me think a lot about some things that I happened to forgot a little, but that I should always be aware of.
And I really enjoyed talking to myself. I felt like I needed it.
And yes, at the end of the night I was able to made up my mind.
As it goes: Nobody said (not even God) that life would be easy or sweet all the time, in other words it wont be a bed of roses.
And I must accept it, but still remember that God is there, so I can embrace life all the time.
I will fall down and the results of my young plans will probably be unexpected, unless since now my plans are the one´s that God placed in my heart. If it is that way then they will result the way the should, the only way they should, the correct way; the one that is expected.
If not, then I´ll keep asking for His guidance and I must always trust in His will and wisdom; after all He knows me better than I will ever know myself, He will guide me thru the path of happiness, because having Him in my life is all I really need to feel happy.
And then, I will dare to remind myself constantly to keep it real, to open my eyes and try to never forget that this world doesnt spin around me at all, but still I am glad to be part of it.
I may or may not do great things with my life, but as long as I keep all this in mind and trust completely in God and not only in myself things will be fine.
So thank you all! Not a coincidence you all wrote those things.
Glad to have you here.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done...
Being this honest was never so good to me.
Was never so not dangerous or harmful... this time honesty is right because everything else is right.
This time something changed... the best is yet to come!
I am young! and I cant wait to see what God and life have for me!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
On days like this...
I could stare at the window trying to capture in my memory the well drawn lines that fall from the sky to the ground.
I could walk out the door and feel the cold air filling my lungs and smell the rain special scent.
And then I held my breathe and ran to cacth the bus... feel the raindrops in my skin and the wind blowing my hair in every direction.
It was fun... besides holding a well known secret can always make you smile on days like this...
"When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this..."
(van morrison-days like this)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I dare to think that us, the ones who hold the pen, the ones who accumulate piles of sheets, the ones who find every napking as a canvas ready to recieve our ink... us the ones who write, might see the world from a different perspective.
Me might see it in a fantastic, surreal way... or may see it more like it actually is than others around us.
But, what about the ones who want to write about new things, the ones who want to describe this world´s mischievousness, the ones who want to create?
They might get frustrated at some point, because we might try really hard to "create" a whole new world, with bright "new" colors, shapes, odours, textures... something that would amaze anyone with enough brain as to enjoy a good book.
But at the end the author will probably realize it was an utter disaster and may find the explanation in their everyday lives.
The fact is that no matter how hard we try, we will never know more things that the ones we already know.
Im not talking about science or general knowledge... Im saying that all we know came from the sky above us, the trees behind us, the dirt underneath our feet.
We can´t create a whole new world because we ought to write about the things that we know about, though we may change them a little bit, but when we are writing about upside worlds or trees with blue leaves or purple skies, we are not innovating anything, we are just changing the original shape and color.
Even the things we find to be "unreal" come directly from real things.
"Unreal" animals for example always have horns and ears, snouts and eyes, even when we might change their location in the body.
Corporeal things might become like the wind, but that is as far as they will go from reality.
We can´t create such a thing... we have our limitations. We are not God.
But, so what? anyway those attempts are wonderful and can still transport your mind to a place you´ll never know and make you skip some breathes. I enjoy reading those books even when I finally realized they are not as unreal as they seem... but just as fantastic as they are.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Ideas and intentions joined inside your brain.
Sometimes your worst enemies.
When things are fine and still you feel like there is something missing, something that is not right.
When you, with little ideas, create a monster that burns you out in doubt or fear... something that may not be real, but if you keep it alive long enough as it to grow strong it will keep pressing up your chest until you feel like you just can´t breathe, even when it might me unreal.
They might keep you trembling even when the truth has been revealed and make you feel like you are in the middle of a storm you can´t control.
Let it out.
Thoughts... go to rest.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What they said... a kiss is just a kiss.
We may kiss another for incountable reasons and may be impulsed by infinite incentives, a smell, a moment, a lullaby, alcohol, drugs, revenge, an emotion, something more biological... love?
We might kiss a stranger once, twice.
We might kiss a stranger and no harm will be done.
We might kiss somebody we love and climb up to the sweetest glory.
No harm will be done.
But, we might kiss a friend.
We might kiss a friend we feel conected with.
We might kiss a friend even when it seems right, like it will be fine, like we´ll forget tomorrow.
We might kiss a friend and say that it is an extreme expression of friendship, just that.
We might kiss a friend and much harm will be done... because a kiss is never just a kiss.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
She´s been waiting for less than a year and still seems like a lifetime to her until she gets to meet her new brother.
The time came earlier, he wasnt supposed to arrive now, there was a month left... but he is here.
Her mom is taken to the hospital, but daddy said it would be ok, so she trusts in him and sits quietly in the waiting room.
She´s fallen asleep, three hours is too much for a kid to take.
A sudden cry wakes her up, and she walks to the room where her momma is.
She looks inside, there is a baby crying.
-It is getting cold. - a doctor says.
Her mom holds him carefully.
Still Andrea can´t say a word. "Is my brother ok?" she thinks.
After a few minutes it seems like everything is better.
-He can´t breathe... he´s... Oh God - she hears.
She sees a doctor "kissing" his little brother in his mouth.
"Why is he kissing him?"
The doctor keeps doing it again and again...
Then, his daddy covers his face with his hands and her mommy screams like she has never did before.
"My brother´s dead"
(Fatal tragedy-Dream theater)
Sadly this is a true story... tragedies happen all the time in real life and still we like to create new ones (talking for me).
Hope God may give rest to this baby´s family.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Just to think a little bit. This one is very open, so take it as you may, apply it to yourself and Im sure my reasons wont be the same as yours.
"But they dont see our hearts beating fast, they cant feel our smile and they dont know who we are.
How far would they go for their dreams?
They dont understand..." day dreamer
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I saw you yesterday.
You were walking in your funny usual way, eyes on the horizon, not very straight and with that unique swing.
And I could not help myself but to stare at you.
It took you sometime to realize I was there, you saw me... but you faked it like you´ve been doing for two years.
And somehow the friendship we once shared allows you to realize that even when I was looking at you, I did not mean you to come near me, I would not say hello.
And what I am not very sure of is if you know why I was staring at you, well, it ought to be because I could see a long trace of my regrets following you.
When I saw once again your sad eyes hidden behing your nonchalant mask I felt the deepest sadness ever.
¿How could I let die the one that saved my life uncountable times?
¿How did I dare to abandon the one friend who was always there?
So there you were, walking somewhere I had no idea of.
Then I realized that I no longer know what you do, I no longer know where you go... I no longer know who you are, but the memory of the one you once were leaves me with no choice but to repeat again and again in my mind: I am sorry.